Fully Alive…Ready to Smile

posted by erin on Nov 29

Yeah, yeah, yeah, I know I’ve been missing for a while.  I’ve been wandering aimlessly wondering where to direct my time.  I want to do something other than sit in front of my Wii decorating fictional character’s houses  No really, I’m feeling like I need me some skillz!  Or at least do something with the ones I have!  I have so much inside of me waiting to burst forth, but no avenue to do it.  I love to decorate.  I love to take pictures.  I love to create.  It’s inbred in me.  

I woke up this morning with an itch to do something.  To learn.  To provide outlet for my crazy ideas.  So then, flooding into my sleep adled brain comes the idea that I should take some courses.  Me.  Erin.  The one who hated school.  Who hates structure.  Who hates schedules.  I jump out of bed, suddenly not tired at all, and in a matter of half an hour I’m ready to sign up for a photography course and a reflexology course.  Huh?

Um, yeah…before the decorator appeared in me, before the photographer was birthed, there lived a different soul.  A soul who wanted to nurture and take care.  A person who loved feet and giving massages.  Knowing that I was making someone feel better at the touch of my hand was such an incredible feeling.  Today I open up a brochure for courses at a local school and noticed they are offering reflexology courses.  I’m suddenly inspired again!  I say to Jer, “Remember when I was going to have my own little home office all decorated beautifully and spa-like with soft music and candles and I was going to do reflexology?”  But to do that all the time??  Meh…  

Then I remember there is this great school in our city that apparently has some really good photography courses.  Oh what fun that would be!  My problem is that it’s in the dead of winter and I’d have to drive 45 minutes on roads that won’t always promise to be good.  I would risk missing classes if I pursue it right now.  Perhaps I should wait until spring and do it when I know I’m not putting my life at the mercy of our winter weather.  The problem is I want it NOW!  I have the idea in my head and it is dying to get out.  When I become consumed with an idea it drives me into a frenzy!  I need to see it come to fruition.

But I DO have this little problem.  I’ve discovered I fly off the starting line with great intentions only to fizzle out somewhere along the journey.  Finding one area of expertise to work in kind of bores me.  I can’t actually imagine myself working in one thing exclusively, which is why I haven’t actively pursued decorating as a career.  I get really inspired, I feel like I’m going to burst with all the ideas and then WHAM…it’s gone.  Then for weeks I don’t have a single idea or even a smidgen of desire to decorate.  But during that time I’ll pick up my camera and be utterly consumed with taking pictures.  My family forgets what I look like without my camera glued to my face.  Then as suddenly as the passion to take pictures comes, it dies out and I’m looking for something else.  

The solution?  Maybe I need to do more than one thing.  Can you just picture it?  I’ll take your picture one day, work on your feet the next day and decorating your house a different day  How funny is that.Most often I just end up doing nothing.  I get so overwhelmed with all these pursuits that I find myself frozen, unable to get the motivation to do any of it.  I have so many things that I want to do TODAY.  So I don’t do anything.  I want to bundle up, take my camera and go for a walk in the snow and find something magical to photograph.  I want to design a house.  I want to decorate for Christmas.  I want, I want, I want…

Maybe I’ll just go do my Wii Fit and expend some pent up angst.