Fully Alive…Ready to Smile

posted by erin on Jan 15

Does fear ever hold you back from doing the things that you want?  It’s all too common in my life.  I’m afraid of failure.  Of rejection.  Of disappointment.  Of talking too much or saying the wrong thing or not saying enough.  Of people coming into my life and leaving without them ever knowing how much they really mean to me.  Of starting and not finishing.  So I start things with good intentions, but never follow through to my full potential.  Half of it is that I really don’t believe in myself or have a ton of confidence, the other half of it is that I just lose interest or attention for the task.  It’s my life.  

The most recent thing that is causing me a bit of anxiety is the idea of getting more education.  I’m very frightened of school as an adult because I feel like I spent my entire school career trying my hardest to blend in, concentrating on passing and excelling and when it was finally over I was so relieved.  School was hard for me.  It didn’t come easily and the people that breezed through with hardly any effort used to make me so irritated…well not the people themselves, but the effortless way they excelled.  I didn’t desire a single hour more of education when I graduated from high school, not because I didn’t think there were things I’d like to learn, but because the thought of walking into a classroom setting, taking tests and exams, writing papers and having to do any kind of public speaking frightened me to such a degree that I vowed to never step into a classroom again.

Now this doesn’t mean I’m an ignorant person or haven’t continued to learn or don’t see the value in further education.  I don’t let my mind become stale or stagnant.  I just learn on my own terms, in my own time.  It’s how I function.  I wanted to be an interior designer.  I settled on being an interior decorator because the thought of 6 years of university completely incapacitated me.  I think I would have been a really good designer, but I held myself back because I was afraid.  Now I’m a decorator, but I don’t pursue it fully because I’m afraid that I’m not good enough.  I’m afraid to put myself out there and be judged.  It’s a really vulnerable place.

There is a new choice before me.  I’m enrolled in a reflexology workshop that will give me the ability to dabble in reflexology to a point.  It will let me see if I really like it without diving into a certification program that would be worth a lot of money and time.  Yesterday I ventured to take a closer look at the certification program.  It intrigued me.  It would take me 10 weeks of classroom study (slight nerves set in, but it’s do-able.  I can suck up my insecurities and do that).  Then I would have to do 60 documented case studies (again, not really a big deal.  I have enough people that would let me work on them to get those hours).  Then I would have to complete a 2 hour written exam (heart palpitations, instant sweating and a twitch in my hand that begs me to click off the site and tell myself it just isn’t worth it).  Finally there would be a 90 minute practical exam (um, right, what was I thinking?  Maybe a workshop is good enough.  I don’t really need to be THAT educated.  I mean, why would I want to push myself past my comfort level).

Do you see what I’m getting at?  I desire to be the best.  I WANT to get to the level that I know I’m capable of, but I’m AFRAID to step out and see what I can do.  I’m afraid that I’ll crack at the eleventh hour.  But what if I CAN do it?  What if I AM good enough?  I’ll never know if I don’t try…if I don’t push myself.  I don’t want to be at the end of my life and look back and say I only did half of what I could have because I was too afraid to go the whole way.  That would be sad.  

And I don’t want regrets.